Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bring Out Yer Dead!

I'm not going to lie; I wanted to see Resident Evil: Afterlife for two reasons. One: it's in 3D and two: the theatre standee looked cool. Those are pretty lame incentives to plunk down $15 for a movie, but that's exactly what I did. I've seen Paul W. S. Anderson movies before and have enjoyed them. This one, however, could've used some "filler" as it was a very lean film. I expected more: more zombies--at least more close-ups, more action--too many scenes of open fields, fly-overs by planes, and people sitting on beaches caught in self-reflection. I felt the infected, zombies as well as zombie dogs, could have been doing more and have more interesting attributes. Standing around and groaning for human flesh to devour can get fairly monotonous. The ability of the infected and their pooches to split their mouths apart at will was far too reminiscent of Blade 2 (a better film). There are many times in RE4 where you expect more to happen, but it doesn't. Despite these gripes though, I have to say I'd sit through this movie again.
This newest installment begins as Alice, played by uber-hot Milla Jovovich, leads an army of her clones against the Tokyo headquarters of the evil Umbrella Corporation. She wipes out most of her far-east enemies during this babe-filled blitzkrieg, but loses her T-virus superpowers in the process. You know what? That doesn't seem to bother her at all. I couldn't understand that. She continues to kick zombie ass throughout the rest of the picture; often blowing these rotting creeps away not with bullets, but with quarters. Next, there's plenty of wasted footage of Alice in her plane as she flys to Alaska to find uninfected survivors. Too many shots of the plane, snow-capped mountains, abandoned air fields, and near empty beach scenes. The later makes the audience feel they're watching a commercial for Tag Heuer as Alice speaks to her camcorder.
Things pick up a little as she flys to LA and finds some humans held up in a correctional facility surrounded by the undead. This segment of the film features a great missed cinematic opportunity. I'll explain this and some out there will think I'm a perv, but I think I'm right. After meeting her fellow survivors and assessing their situation, Alice goes to take a shower. As she removes her weapons and starts to undress, I'm sitting in the theatre thinking: "Great! Nude action sequence! A naked fight with zombies!". But, it doesn't happen. She first gets interrupted by a peeping Tom then the zombies attack! Real dull! For those of you who haven't seen the film, it's been very run of the mill up to this point with the sole exception of the over-the-top, opening sequence. A nude fight scene, though exploitive, would've made for a memorable modern movie moment. Say that five times fast! Honestly, when was the last time you saw a nude fight scene? With zombies? Has there ever been one? It could have even been done with no frontal nudity at all, just a mere suggestion. Maybe this approach wasn't even contemplated, but you think that's where they're going in the film. Milla Jovovich took a break from movies to have her first child with Paul Anderson. She still looks fantastic so its not that she's out of shape. Maybe because she feeling maternal, maybe Paul Anderson thought this would've been degrading, maybe none of the above. I don't know, but it would have distinguished the film more from what it is--as perverted as you may think I sound. After that, the movie is predictable, but does feature a nice action segment with a hooded, giant axe/hammer wielding, . .uh, undead guy (sorry, have not followed the game recently so I don't know what he's called). The ending of this picture is left wide open, so there will be a Resident Evil 5.
Now, why would I sit through this again? I don't know. I do know that the accompanying illustration to this post took me two days to do. That's a lot of effort to put into something that was just "ho-hum". This finished text is the third draft I completed; still more effort. I then realized that Milla Jovovich was born in another country and has a name that people can't pronounce correctly. She's just like another great action star: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Milla Jovovich is the female Arnold. Critics hate her movies, they say she has no talent, but this film, as dull as it is, is the current #1 movie in America. So, yeah, I'd go see it again. Even just to see people in the audience duck bullets and giant axes in 3D.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Race for the Cure

Today marked the annual Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, an organized fight against breast cancer. Having lost friends and family members to cancer, I know I would rather laugh at an adversity than be frightened by it. So, here's Nickelodeon's own Spongebob Squarepants as I say: "Fuck you, cancer.".
(Spongebob Squarepants is trademark and copyright 2010 Viacom. He lives in a pineapple under the sea and was created by Stephen Hillenburg. Neither Viacom or Mr. Hillenburg have endorsed this posting.).

We will return . . .

R. I. P. Oscar Gamble